Contest at Nathan Bransford's Blog!

I entered the contest over at Nathan Bransford's blog tonight!



Oh what fun! I haven't even been doing anything related to writing lately and I just happened to see he had a first paragraph contest going...so I ENTERED! Heehee!

Here's my submission:

If there was ever a time in my short life I felt normal, I couldn’t remember. This was my normal, sitting beneath the window of this dark, abandoned house. Unknown creatures scurried across the broken glass littering the floor as I waited for him to emerge from the house next door. I peeked through the blinds hanging haphazardly on the busted window frame. His red aura lit the room around him, casting an eerie glow across the distance of the two yards. I couldn’t see him, but at least I could track the glow. I could have just barged into that house and taken him out. I’d done it before, many times in fact, but hopefully tonight would be the last time. I was getting tired of these games. It was exhausting being the only Demon Hunter in the greater Portland area.

Girlie Wisdom!

1 A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but she doesn't really care..

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8 Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my panties.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet, for a while, and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'.....Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -- and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Things that are hard to say when you're drunk!

Ok, time for more fun stuff because I kicked major writing booty last night and feel like doing something fun! Here is one of my all time favorite emails:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

19 ways to a keep a healthy level of sanity

In light of my severe irritation at my email provider for changing EVERYTHING and making me go through 2 years and 100+ emails before they vanish, I thought I would share some of the funnier ones that I had been clinging to-in case of an emergency ;)

Here are 19 ways to keep a healthy level of sanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."